the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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