i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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