On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
