i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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