I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
