just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
