You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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