dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
