We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
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I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
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he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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