bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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