I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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