my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
