There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
