I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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