Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
