Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
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Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
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And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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