I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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