his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
