I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
