i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Your cock deserves a montage
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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