i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
