I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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