i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
