Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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