i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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