Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
