I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
