I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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