I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
my phone needs a breathalizer
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
