he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
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