Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
please come you make the beer taste better
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
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When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
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I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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