hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
