I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
