I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
