When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Best friends brother. Beat that.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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