I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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