I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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