so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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