can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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