Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
