I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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