Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
