she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
