i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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