I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
True college students do jello shots in the library
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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