did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
