dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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