sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
