dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
