If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
