my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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