I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
