FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
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Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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