On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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