I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Randomize
