I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
