Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
