Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
