A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
