took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
