I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
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